After a husband and wife have an argument, who should break the silence and initiate the reconciliation process? Until recently, I incorrectly assumed that whoever was at fault was responsible for taking the lead to make amends. In my marriage, I am usually the one to blame for our arguments. Sadly (and sinfully), on the rare occasions when I was right, I would give my wife the silent treatment, expecting her to realize her wrongdoing and make the first move to resolve the problem.

It may seem reasonable that the guilty party should act first. But is that reasoning biblical? The book of Ephesians teaches us otherwise.

As Christian husbands, we are responsible for breaking the silence and initiating the reconciliation process with our wives. Whether or not she is at fault is irrelevant.

Biblical support

Chapter five of Ephesians is rich with instruction on the roles of Christian husbands and wives and how they should treat one another.1 Verse 25 is particularly helpful in answering the question of who should take the lead after a marital dispute: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (ESV). Our mandate is to follow the example that Jesus set. We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church.

To understand what verse 25 means, we need to ask, “How?”. How did Christ love the church and give himself up for her? Perhaps the most obvious answer is that he died for the church (i.e. his followers) so that we may have life. Most of us will never encounter circumstances where we need to die for our wives. (If that situation does arise, without question we must sacrifice ourselves so that our wives may live.) Ephesians 5:25 pertains to more than protecting our wives, however.

Consider the condition of the church when Christ sought her and died for her. Romans 5:6-8 says, “For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (emphasis added). The church was weak, ungodly, and sinful, yet Jesus died for it. Therefore, if we are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, our wife’s “guilt” after an argument does not absolve us from our responsibility to initiate reconciliation with her.

First John 4:9-11 also demonstrates how God acted first to reconcile us to him even though we were in the wrong: “In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another” (emphasis added). God demonstrated His love by seeking us even though we did not deserve it. So, we again see that when it comes to loving our wives as Christ loved the church, the question of who is at fault is irrelevant.

The Gospels provide another example of Jesus initiating reconciliation with an unworthy person. Peter denied Jesus three times before the latter’s crucifixion. Peter is hopelessly guilty, but in John 21:15-22, Jesus seeks and reinstates him as an Apostle. Yet again, we see Jesus pursuing his people despite their guilt.

Finally, all Christians have experienced how Christ takes the initiative to forgive us even though we are guilty. We were rebellious sinners, but Jesus saved us anyway.

Ephesians 5:25 instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. After an argument, it is our responsibility to initiate reconciliation. It does not matter if our wives are at fault. They may realize their wrongdoing and come to us first, and that is okay. We have no right, however, to give our wives the silent treatment and force them to come to us. God sought us and saved us through his Son even though we were wrong, even though we rejected him.

If we are willing to accept the unmerited grace and forgiveness that Jesus gives us, we must give that same grace and forgiveness—the kind that seeks even those who are wrong—to our wives.

1 For a more detailed examination of what the Bible teaches about the husband’s role of headship in the family, I encourage you to read/view John Piper’s excellent two-part sermon, “Lionhearted and Lamblike: The Christian Husband as Head.” You can find Part 1 here and Part 2 here.